Dear Mom and Dad: 
 
It has been four months since I left for college.  I have been remiss in 
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness.  I will bring you up to
date now, but before you read on, please sit down.  Don't read any further
unless you are sitting down ... OK? 
 
Good. I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and the 
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it 
caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only
get three headaches a day. 
 
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire
Department and the ambulance.  He also visited me at the hospital, and 
since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.  It's really a
basement room, but it is kind of cute.  He is a very fine boy and we have
fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.  We haven't set the
exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show. 
 
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant.  I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. 
 
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests,
and I carelessly caught it from him.  This will soon clear up,  thanks to
my daily penicillin injections. 
 
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.  He is kind,
and although not well educated, he is ambitious.  Also, he is of a
different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of
teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat
darker than we are.  I am sure you will love him as I do.  His family
background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important
gunbearer in his native African village. 
 
I guess that's it.  Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to
know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull
fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I
do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life. 
 
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted
you to see these marks in their proper perspective. 
 
     Your loving daughter, 
     Chelsea