Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client

10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
 9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
 8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working
here.
 7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're
gone.
 6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
 5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
 4. So what do you need me to tell you?
 3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
 2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month
project.
 1. What are you, stupid?

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 Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview

10. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
 9. Do you pay overtime?
 8. I hate flying.
 7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
 6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
 5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
 4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
 3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember
whole phrases.
 2. Two words: family first.
 1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

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 Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic
period."
 9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
 8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your day."
 7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
 6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
 5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
 4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
 3. Can't be trusted with the car -- too accustomed to beating up rentals.
 2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
 1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".

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 Top Ten Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug

10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
 9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
 8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a
foreign language.
 7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
 6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.
 5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
 4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two
matrix.
 3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
 2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an
expert.
 1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real
work experience.

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 Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant

 10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
 9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
 8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
 7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
 6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
 5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
 4. Implementation?  I only care about writing long reports.
 3. I can't take the credit.  It was Ed in your marketing department.
 2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
 1. Everything looks okay to me.