GEORGE CARLIN WITTICISMS
1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3) Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes
5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
it considered a hostage situation?
11) Is there another word for synonym?
12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
15) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
17) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
21) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
24) What was the best thing before sliced bread?
25) I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.