Stephen Wright one-liners:
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.