ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12%  Monday
23%  Tuesday
40%  Wednesday
20%  Thursday
5%   Friday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people
every
day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming
in terror
like
the passengers in his car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

West Virginia: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

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Montana: At Least Our Cows Are Sane.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

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It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

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If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like
the IRS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was damn near
impossible.